1 June is my birthday…

except it isn’t. Let me explain.

Voiceover:

In 2014, I took a one way trip to the UK

And I never went back. Zero regrets despite a lot of suffering that has happened since. That’s happened to all of us around the world, though, so I couldn’t have escaped it anywhere. I digress.

When I came back to Germany from a holiday in London in March 2014, I was fired. Well, made redundant. Same difference. A few weeks later my mum died. My life had truly been turned upside down in a matter of six weeks. So I did the only logical thing: Gave myself another six weeks to leave the country.

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You are so brave

I’m really not. Stop saying that. Neither for showing up unapologetically as a fat witch nor for leaving my home country. I could go into detail, but I won’t. Here’s my thought process for saying farewell, though:

Every time I lost a job or had to move – usually both – my friends would ask me: “So are you moving to London now?!” The answer had always been a firm “not yet”. And it made me incredibly sad. There was always something (or someone) holding me back. This time, too. My grandpa was NOT happy about the news, but he equally knew this move was overdue. I had been obsessed with London since I was three years old. My first holiday in London in 2005 had cemented it and if I needed more proof that this city was home, my time here in 2007 as an exchange student really hit it home. Accidental pun there.

Since 2007, I made sure I was in London at least once a year. Including that last trip to see Bastille at Alexandra Palace in 2014 with someone who was a stranger just a year before and would be one again the year after. The longing to move was real and when my life fell apart completely, I realised there was no valid excuse anymore. With a nice little redundancy package, I also felt secure for the first few months. Boy was I wrong. But I made it through.

So…what’s that about a birthday???

Well, I celebrate three birthdays each year. My actual birthday is 21 January. Aquarius through and through which inspired the image I chose for this post, this whole blog, my whole life as I’m living it right now, really. The next one is 1 December. The day before in 2012, I had just completed radiotherapy as the last part of my cancer treatment. I was cancer free and ready to start a new life. And I did.

Fast forward just 18 months and off I went to finally live in London. The place where my restlessness stops, where my heart feels peace, where I feel completely at home. Again, I started a new life. Hence the third birthday I celebrate each year. It’s been nine years now.

Starting over is painful

No matter how much you’ve planned it. There is grief involved and struggle. Especially if you have to really dig deep into your resourcefulness. Now, since 2014 – which also happened to kick off my Saturn Return, no surprises there – I have had to start over several times. I feel so fucking tired of starting over. But you know what? It’s worth it. For me. If by the end of this, I know who I am, where I belong and who belongs in my life and who doesn’t, it was all worth it. (Dear Universe, this is not an invitation. Thank you.)

Now, if you’re into some trauma porn, you can watch this little highlight on my Instagram about my cancer journey and this one about the rest of the bullshit that has happened in the past few years. [These are no longer available.] All trigger warnings apply; it’s a LOT. And I’m only coming to terms with actually calling it all trauma, too. It’s weird how we dismiss our struggles because we had no choice. If that’s you, please stop doing that. It does nothing but hurt you. Oh and if those highlights don’t hit my personality home enough for you, I’ve also written this piece of MAGNIFICENCE, so I encourage you to read it. Again, it’s a lot and I hope you’re taking care of yourself by knowing how much capacity you have to hold someone else’s story.

Back to birthdays and breaking rules

So, yeah, whenever something earth shattering happened to me, I made it a birthday. Because I can. Who knows, there may be another one or two coming in the next few decades. I also celebrated a little anniversary on the first. My red Fiat 500 – Phoebe – and I have been a team since 1 June 2021. Two years! Time flies, huh?! Couldn’t be happier with her.

I guess you could call me weird for celebrating these things. Go ahead. I don’t mind. What is weird to ME is that we don’t celebrate more. Why is it that we only celebrate weddings and births and cis men’s (!) promotions? But not buying a house on your own, starting your own business, divorces, beating cancer, surviving depression and friendshipversaries?

Well, I’m here to celebrate the latter more than the former. Breaking the rules of the system. One at a time. Not just because I can. Because I have to. It may be ingrained in me as a triple Aquarius (Sun, Venus and Jupiter!) but it is imperative for all of us.

Community is the way to go

As an Aquarius – and with a North Node in my 11th house – I am destined to build community. I have just scratched the surface. Mind you, the community I’ve built (you’re probably my first fans here, so hiiiiiiiii! I LOVE YOU!!!) is fucking magnificent. They don’t just seek guidance from me, which I love. They also GIVE. Gosh, have I felt held and supported and loved when I sent an email recently to ask for donations because one of my regular payments had stopped. Within 24 hours, over £160 came in; essentially covering my loss for that month. What a wonderful way to show up for each other. I can’t think about it and not cry. I feel touched and grateful and like I’ve made all the right decisions. This community shows up for me. As much as I show up for them. And they show up for each other. The way everyone holds space in my witch circles? Unmatched. It is so beautiful to witness. And a lot of us have never met in person (in real life, that is).

Learning from the past four years of community building, I’m going in for more. Slowly but surely. Right now, it’s a quiet time for me. I need to focus on my health. Get the answers that doctors have been denying me. But I know that when I come back, I’ll be welcomed with open arms and a massive outpouring of love and kindness and compassion. I feel held as much as I hold and I’m building on these foundations. From the ground up.

That’s what we need. That’s what Pluto in Aquarius – the 20 year transit and this blog – will be about. The old systems are coming down. The revolution is here and you’re part of it. Witness. Take part. We’re in this together and we’re getting through it alive and thriving as long as we look out for each other. With compassion, kindness and love.

Stay magnificent. Stay witchy. Talk next time.