…and why I’m sticking with it.

In five years, my business has changed names twice and directions too many times to count. Many of the things I put out there over the years didn’t sell. At all. Until I unleashed the beast. And the beast brought more struggle. Here’s how and why I’m still standing.

What the fuck am I doing here?!

It’s the 11th of January 2019 and I’m sitting at the back of a room during a kickoff day my employer organised. I was hired as the marketing manager only a few months earlier and had finally peaked in my career. My dream job and my dream salary. No more financial struggle, no more suffering. It was a time of rebuilding. I had even survived a week off sick already because my stomach did a number on me.

Here I was, phasing out because I was bored out of my mind. Corporate will always be corporate. Empty phrases, no real action, blah blah blah. So while I was sitting there, this thought popped into my head: “What the FUCK am I doing here?!” It came from deep down in my soul and it came with a knowing that I didn’t belong. I didn’t belong in this company, I didn’t belong in this job and I didn’t belong in corporate. I wanted to leave so badly.

Instead, I snapped back into reality and got on with the day. Pretending to be a good marketing girl and take pictures on my private phone. Putting effort into group exercises I despised. Masking the shit out of me and living for the cigarette and coffee breaks. Towards the end of the day, I already felt a migraine episode coming on. I didn’t go out for drinks with my colleagues. I went home and called in sick for the whole of the week after.

Corporate culture almost killed me

I wish I had seen it earlier, but it became abundantly clear how sick corporate culture had made me over a 12 year career when I got back to the office. HR called me in for a meeting and demanded a sick note, even though that isn’t something that you get in the UK for under seven days. Because I didn’t pick up the phone when I was sick at home. I don’t know about you, but there is something incredibly wrong with a workplace that doesn’t let you rest. A place that calls to “check in” to see how you’re doing. That is invasive and unethical behaviour.

Another meeting with my manager, who had been on my case since before my Christmas break (and ruined it with his “feedback”), made everything even worse. He asked me if I really wanted this. Yeah, but not the copywriting part, which he wasn’t happy about. Here is where it gets interesting. I’m a FANTASTIC marketing manager and I write PHENOMENAL copy. But they didn’t let me do my actual job (marketing) and insisted my copy be on par with people’s whose whole being was breathing that industry. I was new to it. And I wasn’t hired as a copywriter. The constant negative feedback and how rewriting my stuff is taking up too much of the management team’s time was grinding me down. It seemed that all that mattered was the fucking copywriting. Nothing else was looked at and I no longer had the capacity to produce good work in those other areas either, because all they were focusing on was copywriting and so that is where my energy went. No matter how much I wrote and rewrote, learnt and got (positive!) feedback from outside the organisation, it simply wasn’t good enough.

On Thursday that week, I was called into a meeting with my manager and the head of HR. They wanted to put me on a performance improvement plan. Someone who had cut their probation time down to two months would now have to go on some kind of improvement plan. My performance wasn’t the issue here. It was people’s egos and how I couldn’t be molded into their weird shapes. I was told that I’d just “have to get on with it” and if I didn’t, I would be fired by the end of that month. I had suffered two weeks of a ruined Christmas break already, I wasn’t about to prolong my suffering.

Off the record (pah!), I was told, I could also decide to resign. I had until the next day to decide. I decided in that moment. I went back to my desk afterwards and deleted my work. All my emails, everything that could in any way benefit the company. I left my screen completely black, no files saved anywhere. And no, you couldn’t recover them either. I know what I’m doing; this wasn’t my first rodeo. I was undisturbed as well because my manager – a man two years younger than me who had his salary put up when I joined, so it would match mine – hadn’t sat next to me all week because he couldn’t face me. Coward. When I left, I already packed a few things to take home.

I came in super early the next day and packed the rest of my stuff into my supersized handbag. I sent an email to the HR manager with my resignation. Being in sales or marketing, you will have to leave the company immediately when you resign. They don’t want you to be messing about with company secrets. Two months’ notice pay and one month’s full salary (same difference) gave me the confidence to leave and figure out my shit in time. Boy, was I wrong.

Heading out, the HR guy came downstairs with me. Gesturing I needed to sort out something with my head. What an arsehole. Mental health stigma is real. And he had the audacity to tell me that I don’t need to aim that high for my next job. What a prick. I should have told him that they should hire a copywriter if that’s what they want, not a marketing manager. But I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. I still resent all of them. But the company has since been sold, my manager been demoted to a regular old salesperson and the HR manager fired. Don’t mess with a witch.

Something had to change. Time and time again, whenever I worked in corporate or a corporate-like setting, I would get sick. Always in or just after the third month. It started early – and not just in corporate but within this hustle work culture – and I had never seen it for what it was: I am not made for working 40+ hours. Neither my body nor my mind are suited to do that. In fact, I’m pretty sure there is not one human being on this planet who is made for that. But neurodivergence definitely adds to the whole experience being unbearable. Had I gone on and got one of the hundreds of jobs I applied for in the months to come, the pattern would have only repeated itself and I may have lost my life to the hustle. Thank fuck I used the emergency break when it was presented to me on a silver platter.

How my business wrecked my life

Naturally, I didn’t want to get any of those jobs I applied for. I did get two months’ worth of a GOOD salary, so I put on some positive thinking glasses (something I had recently discovered and would soon get rid of again) and went for it. Did a coaching certification, built a website, registered a Limited Company, went full on delusional and thought my services would sell like hot cakes. For reference, I had about 200 followers on Instagram (from an account that was originally created for weight loss, I know, don’t even!), zero people on any kind of email list and a handful of abandoned blogs.

Guess. What. Happened.

Yep, absolutely fucking nothing. Nothing happened. Despite some (also questionable) business coaching, I made no money. Nothing. Zilch. And the money in my bank account was dwindling. In the meantime, my flatmate ran for the hills because her anxiety couldn’t take the uncertainty in my life. I do get it, but it felt horrible at the time. Another one who didn’t believe in me. Why would nobody believe in me, including myself? It was a tough time to be told by the #GirlBoss gang (aka the spiritual bypassing gang) that all I have to do is get over my scarcity mindset and meditate and *boom* I would have a successful business overnight. Let me tell you: It does NOT work that way.

After several months of nonsense and an eviction notice, I swallowed my pride and applied for Universal Credit. Well. They have something called the “Habitual Residence Test” (HRT for short and what I shall call it in this post) for people who are residents but not citizens in the UK. In 2016, I had passed that after being in the country for 2.5 years and was on benefits for six months, so I wasn’t bothered. Ha! The guy in the Jobcentre in Fulham did not like me. He had me fail the HRT and I got the notification one day (!) after I had the interview for it that my claim was closed because I had failed. What the actual fuck. What you can do when that happens? Apply again. I did not have the strength to apply again.

When you are constantly hungry, try to organise some sort of move because you’re being evicted and have absolutely nothing to look forward to in terms of housing or income, you are not equipped to go through that battle again. So I focused on the move to the first friend, which was the only real friend in this whole scenario over several years.

How my business saved my life

Over the next year, I moved twice more, was in emotionally and mentally abusive situations and was in constant survival mode being technically homeless the whole time. The only constant for me was my business. Now, it wasn’t much of a business because all it did was provide some pocket money and later a little bit of food, a little bit of freedom. No more. To give you an idea: To this day, I have never made £1,000 in one month. In five years of business (as of the Lunar Eclips in Libra 2024), I have made the grand total of £13,323. That is £2,664.60 per YEAR.

Anyway, it gave me an escape. I pivoted more times than I can count. I’ve gone from mental health coaching (please, keep those eyerolls) to shadow work (still incorporating that!) to astrology to cards (oracle and tarot) to intuition to a combination of all of it. Apart from mental health. Although I must say, my services have always improved people’s mental health. Getting to know yourself and trusting yourself is powerful that way.

It also gave me some sort of purpose, meaning. I’ve built myself a wonderful little community; even more so in my witch circles (join the next one!). If you’re here, you’re part of a bunch of wonderful people who truly care for each other. You’ve supported me with words, hugs, books, trips to the beach and money. All-round support that you give freely and with so much love. That makes it all worth it. You’ve kept me sane through it all, even though you mostly didn’t know what was going on behind the scenes.

And now that I find myself physically disabled for the first time in my life, I feel more supported than ever and more held by my business than ever. I’ve got a clear vision of where I want this to head over the next twenty years. Because one thing is for sure: I will never work as an employee in some corporation again. Ever. I’m done fucking up my health and wellbeing for capitalism, thank you very much.

What I had to embrace

Writing this post was really hard. I’ve lived through some proper trauma in the corporate world and inside the benefits systems. Some of the latter is still going on. I was reminded how far I wanted to be away from my corporate career. Anything marketing, events and business management needed to stay away from me. I didn’t want jobs in those areas, I didn’t want to do any of it for anyone; not even myself.

That last bit is a bit of a problem when you want to market a new business online. It is super frustrating when you know exactly what to do to be successful (other than, you know, get rid of my marginalisations^^) and not wanting to do it because you’ve lost belief and trust in yourself and don’t want to touch any of it with a five foot pole. Look at me self therapising.

At the end of 2022, I was tired of it all. I wanted to be part of things and spaces. And as much as I love reading cards or a chart for someone, the easier thing for me to do was offering marketing skills in exchange for what I wanted. And lo and behold, people accepted. Then someone approached me for event support and that is when everything finally shifted.

I did the event in January last year and I thoroughly enjoyed it. The muscle memory was there from over a decade in marketing, sales and events. The joy it brought me working with people who respect each other and seeing the attendees just loving life. The person I worked for truly cherished the support, paid extraordinarily well and the next day instead of a week later, as agreed. That whole experience healed so much and I’m still crying thinking about it and writing it all down.

Since then, I’ve worked with people to support their businesses and am now working with that first person regularly on a 10-hour per month agreement, which literally feeds me. After all those years in destitution, another year in poverty, I am finally crawling out of it all. Thanks to some profound healing and embracing the parts of my former career that bring me so much joy. The role I have in that person’s business is tailor-made to my strengths, including astrology. I am beyond grateful to have found them, to work with them and for the healing. I can’t say it often enough: The healing goes so deep and is ongoing. Can’t wait to see where this leads me.

Where I’m at now and why I have to go on

So between benefits and some regular income from my own actual work (don’t underestimate how empowering that is!), I have now built a foundation. I’m still fighting for the full support I am entitled to, but I’m at a point where I can breathe a little. I have systems in place for my business and got into a good flow when it comes to content creation, which, really, is just another part of the sales process. I’ve had more enquiries lately that I’m sure will turn into some beautiful readings and journeys of working together. I don’t push. I hate being pushed when it comes to sales, so I don’t push. Here, in my witchletter and in IG Stories and posts, sure. But in places like DMs? Nah. That kind of energy doesn’t sit right with me. I’m not saying that to point out how much better I am than some other people, by the way. Just pointing out my personal preferences and how things work for me now.

This means slower business growth, but with all my needs being met, that is what I’m going for. Slow and steady. I now have business support in my corner as well, which massively helps turning my vision into an actual plan and into things like The Intuition School. [NO LONGER EXISTS. WANT IT BACK? EMAIL ME!] I am part of several communities that are supporting me in my witch practice and my healing from fatphobia and it is fucking delightful to fill my cup in that way.

More than ever, I am determined to make Witch Mother Ltd a success; get away from benefits (my personal preference, we all deserve financial support, no matter how much we can produce) and fulfil my Aquarian need to be independent. Independent and held by the community I’ve built. You witches rock. I want to change the world. This is my way to do it.

Stay magnificent. Stay witchy.