Or any relationship, really. From my point of view. Proceed with caution, it may be a very difficult read. Make sure you get to the very last word before you comment, especially if you feel defensive.
Weeeeeeee, my first post behind a paywall. [THIS USED TO BE ON SUBSTACK.] For reasons. I know who’s reading and who’s looking up these posts and while I never share the most intimate details or identifiers, I’d still like to keep some things behind closed doors.
I am also keeping this for paid subscribers only because I haven’t quite detached from a lot of internalised ableism yet and that may shine through. So do proceed with caution.
Another thing before we dive in: If you find yourself reading things in this post and see yourself in them, please don’t think that you’re a bad person or a bad friend or that I think you’re somehow beyond repair. You’re not. And the people I’ve observed these behaviours and traits in aren’t either. I just need to stay far away from them for my own mental health.
Why am I publishing this in the first place?
Writing has always been some kind of therapy for me. It’s how I process my emotions and how I stay sane. My Moon in Gemini is very happy about intellectualising my feelings this way. The rest of me is mitigating the harm this can sometimes do. Overall, though, this is how I get things off my chest and how I ultimately feel better.
Posting this for others to read serves two purposes: Sharing with people and hopefully reading their thoughts, your thoughts, in the comments. Giving me perspective. The other purpose is about resonance. I hope some of this resonates with some of you. I hope you can dodge a bullet by avoiding people like this. Or you find some of your own traits shown here and become aware of them. Maybe even start taking action towards processing what’s behind them. That’s what helped me become less of an arsehole back in the day. I’ll share some of that at the end of this post.
The general profile
Just to remind you: I’m not a therapist or psychologist (thanks to capitalism and classism), so I’m not diagnosing anyone. What I’m doing is writing down what I’ve observed in the language I have learnt along the way.
Right. Let’s get into it. The people I’m talking about have all experienced trauma. A lot of it. And mostly, they are not at all or barely aware of it. Which in turn means they are not working on it. Which is the whole fucking problem. (Please note that this may not even be accessible to everyone, I’m aware of that. This is not to shame anyone, this is to make you aware where the bullshit comes from. Also not to excuse any abuse that may result from all of this *GesturesWildly* but to keep an explanation in mind.) On the other hand, some may be hyperaware of their trauma and feel emboldened by therapy that they absolutely know what they’re doing. This can be just as dangerous.
They grew up in an environment that didn’t allow a different worldview, opinion or growth. So their opinions are often rigid and they won’t let you challenge them without taking offence. They may be able to think critically, but often choose not to in at least one or two areas of their lives. They project all their beliefs onto you and cannot fathom differences. They lack common sense.
They think they are morally – and otherwise – superior to others. To you, too, but they would never say it out loud.
You meet them through something you’ve got in common. An interest, a nationality (if you live abroad), a story, a heritage. You bond over it. It feels like you have finally found someone who understands that part of you.
What they do
As Virgo season demands (which is when I started writing this), we’re getting into the details. The weirdest details that I have found these people have in common. Again, a note: These behaviours can be caused by conditions, illnesses and trauma. I’m not in the shaming business here. I’m in the description business.
Their hygiene is questionable. They don’t wash themselves or brush their teeth regularly and they don’t wash their hands after being on the loo. This last part is the worst for me. PLEASE wash your hands absolutely EVERY TIME you’ve been to the loo. Why I’m addressing people now? Well, if you’ve ever been in a public toilet in a restaurant, you’ll see how many people just walk straight out without paying attention to the sink.
They compete with you. At first, it won’t be obvious or just feel like friendly banter. But over time, it becomes more and more apparent. Who has more status, more money, the “better” job or career, more freedom. The list is endless. They MUST come out on top or they’ll feel inadequate.
Seamlessly, this leads to the next thing. Of course, their success needs to be celebrated. You need to celebrate them and be happy for them. When it is their turn to celebrate you, you get an “oh, good for you” or a similarly unemotional or even passive aggressive response. You will NOT feel celebrated. You will feel bad that you mentioned you’re feeling good because, obviously, they are currently going through a hard time and can’t find it in them to celebrate you. Except that’s the case every single time when something good happens to you.
They want to make sure you stay in your lane. As soon as you find a similar freedom or similar success to them – because they are ✨special✨ – you need to be shut down. They will ignore that and do their best to keep you in whatever situation you’ve always been in. I’m thinking of an example where a *friend* kept sending me job ads even after my being self employed for two years. They only stopped when they asked again if I was interested in an opportunity and all I said was “no”. And then they were also offended that that’s how I reacted. In short, they will patronise you, so they come out on top again.
Another common denominator of these people is that they accept all systems and the “way things are” as given. Almost without questioning. As much as they are often (knowingly) suffering under the system, they will still fight for its existence to be preserved. They don’t see an alternative. Not in a hopeless way, more in a way that they believe they can make it to the top in this system and they’re getting closer every day. So they don’t have to address the injustices around them. I’m not talking the big things, activism. I’m talking in their neighbourhood, in their relationships, within their families and work environments. It is all as it is supposed to be and if they have to suffer, they suffer.
Oh, yet another thing. They love to suffer. I feel like this is strongly connected to not having any common sense. They will do things in the most complicated ways when things could take way less time or there could be a solution to a problem that they’ve only patched up instead of solved.
With suffering comes complaining. They complain all the fucking time without changing even the tiniest things in their lives that would make things better. But witch forbid when the solution lies with someone who has more power than them, like an employer or a landlord. Suddenly everything is fine and can be lived with. They will not risk waking up the monster that is the “big guy” who could – in theory – ruin their existence. So their complaints stay with you and anybody else who will listen. Often people with the same social status or a perceived inferior one. Consciously or not, they’re upholding the patriarchy and thereby white supremacy.
Talking about people they weirdly look up to, they also have a wild parasocial relationship with celebrities. A bond so strong, they can’t stop talking about those people. As they rarely have more than one or two friends, including you, that’s where they put their energy. That’s my theory anyway. This goes so far as to defending these public figures, even when it’s confirmed they fucked up royally. Like, you know, abusing or raping someone. This has been the wildest thing for me to watch happen.
How they live
Perpetual reminder that it’s okay if some of these things apply to you or people you know. These can be symptoms of something bigger. Or consequences of poverty. Yet again, I want to describe this in as much detail as possible to illustrate environments I can no longer tolerate for my own mental health. I have also come to accept that I cannot and don’t want to fix people or their lives, no matter how much I have loved someone.
Often, these people have closed off areas in their houses that nobody may step foot in, even accidentally. Not for privacy reasons, but rather because it’s a cause of shame for them because it’s chaotic. That’s not what strikes me most, I think we’ve all been there. The red flag here, for me, is the level of dirt. These areas will often be beyond repair (literally!) due to the buildup of dirt and/or the disrepair. I’ve stepped foot into a house that had wide open floors because floorboards were missing and a bathroom with a completely broken (in pieces!) bathtub and floor, so you had to balance when sitting on the loo.
The rest of the living space will look similar. Dirt everywhere and a pungent smell. Food scraps piling up and instead of using bins, they use random bags lying on the floor or hanging on a door handle. Their household isn’t functioning. They usually never learnt how to take care of one. And they explain everything away instead of seeking support.
It is also incredibly damp and mouldy in their living space. A filthy washing machine leading to clothes never being completely clean and the dampness preventing them from ever being fully dry.
How they treat you and others
They leech energy. And they will tell you they do. “I need you.” “I have to see you. You bring me creativity.” These and similar phrases are very clear red flags to me now. They also show me that someone relies on me and me alone. That is never a good thing. Don’t ever put someone on a pedestal or make them your everything. You HAVE to have a group of people to fall back on. And I’m saying that as someone who hates people, especially meeting new people. At the same time, I love it and I live for connection. Go figure. Cancer Rising with Aquarius Sun, Venus and Jupiter. There you go.
Boundaries don’t exist for them. They have no boundaries themselves and therefore cannot even grasp the concept of them. Call me mean all you want, but I won’t sugarcoat it. All of this has nothing to do with intelligence, by the way. We often don’t know what we don’t know and cannot deal with it. Doesn’t mean I’m the one who needs to endure that ignorance and disrespect. One of the telltale signs is giving unsolicited advice, even when it has been made ABUNDANTLY clear that you don’t want it. Someone who is always all up in your business because they think they know better is bad news. Also a form of manipulation.
They love gossip, even if it’s just celebrity gossip. And I’m not talking who’s dating who and ooohhh, have you seen their new jewellery or some shit like that. No, no, they love participating in takedowns. Lashing out online. Think siding with Depp over Heard type of gossip. I know.
Talking about lashing out. That’s something that may not happen to you directly, but something you may observe in them towards others. Out of the blue will come an “oh, you’re crazy!” or some shit like that. I have witnessed this with people and their children in particular. Imagine what they say when you’re not there.
They’re jealous of your other friends. This is a massive one. I have seen this in so many peole now. They either can’t stand when they see me breaking down in tears of joy when I embrace a friend I haven’t seen in years. Yes, really, this has happened to me. Or they make snarky remarks when you mention having a good time or loving this or that other friend. RUN, don’t walk, away from them. Seriously. Just run.
One thing that I find divides people often is money. I personally don’t get it but, hey ho, it does. Now, my opinion is this: If you don’t want to (or can’t!) lend someone money, don’t do it. Easy as that. I’ve met people who just make it their policy not to lend to friends (or anyone) unless they can afford to lose that money. No matter how reliable someone is in paying back. That’s a boundary I can respect. One I don’t have. If I have the money, I’ll lend it to you. Also because I know how hard it is to ask. Anyway, these people will make it all weird. Will either hold it over you or make themselves the hero in a story where you a) already felt vulnerable or b) were just covering costs for them that you now want back. Which is also completely fair. If you ask a friend, who you know doesn’t have money/lives in poverty, to do something for you that will cost them money, you fucking reimburse them. And don’t make it weird. That is my two pence.
Their beliefs
Lots of these people have a certain expertise. In life, in a profession or both. And they will think they’re the only one who is right about it all. Now, look, as an Aquarius I naturally do this kind of shit, too. I know I’m ahead of the curve with a lot of things. But I also know I’m not the only one on the planet. And I have humility. They really fucking don’t. Not one bit. And they want others to feel small in their presence, parading their knowledge. Fun fact: I used to be this person.
If you’re here, I reckon you have at least heard of the fat liberation movement and how I DETEST anti fat bias and diet culture. So, this is very personal to me, but I feel like it’s something that at least needs addressing in any relationship: Always talking about how you’re so healthy with all these powders and supplements you consume daily and how you’ve left diet culture behind (in the same fucking sentence) is not a good start. People who don’t know they’re still deep in diet culture and uphold anti fat bias are the worst. Now, they’re also the majority of people out there, so we may have to educate them rather than ditch them. But it’s also more than okay to set a very firm boundary and tell them you will not talk about shit like that and will leave the room if they continue. Unless it’s really harrowing, I wouldn’t end a friendship just for this, but it’s one more thing that adds to the pile.
These people are generally super judgemental and have barely anything to talk about when you take away talking about how this and that is wrong in others, but how they are obviously perfect. They wouldn’t ever use those words, but they make it VERY clear that they think they’re a good person that may have something to learn, but is so close to getting everything right. They’re usually so far from the truth, they may just as well not even live on the same planet as you.
With all of that comes a belief that if they “accept people as they are”, they’re somehow not transphobic or racist or ableist etc. One incident that bugged me most was when someone talked about how some kid opened up to them how they now had a new name (and new pronouns…) and they were still misgendering that kid whilst telling the story. I didn’t even know that level of ignorance was still a thing, but here we are. I have also argued with these people about whether or not the patriarchy is still a thing (spoiler: it IS) and whether the “system” of men holding the power for…ever has ever worked or not. Still baffled by that one, too.
Work is their world and they strongly believe that hard work pays off and can make them a millionaire one day. This IS an easy belief to fall for because it is so ingrained in everything we do and see in Western societies. With that, though, comes another belief that – whilst they may be slightly outside of the system with their type of work – you have to enter the system as soon as possible. Getting kids to work as soon as they’re legally allowed and making sure they understand their place in society. Look, I don’t think a bit of work is harmful to children (depending on the age, of course) and learning the value of things is pretty useful, too. But feeling the damage the system is doing to you every day – especially when you’re constantly tired, overworked and generally dissatisfied with your job – and wanting that for the generations to come baffles me massively. At the same time, they also make sure you know what a good little cog they are within the system. Blows my mind.
Here is where it gets interesting: These people have often experienced trauma and have severe mental health issues. Many of which they’re not fully aware of or play down because, again, society says mental health doesn’t matter and mental illness is something to be ashamed of. They ignore their own issues (and sometimes their childrens’) to pretend everything’s just great. By doing that, they are harming themselves and the people around them. You see how it’s no longer just about being an arsehole, right?! It’s much more complicated than that. Yet their inability to deal with issues doesn’t mean that they are allowed to harm you or that you have to endure any of it or keep them in your life. Get over your bad conscience quickly, because you may walk away with loads of damage yourself if you stay in these dynamics for too long.
What you do
My telltale signs that I need to end a friendship are unique to me, but you may find some of these fit you, too. One massive thing for me is that I do not want to read their natal chart. I offer my friends free birthday readings once a year and I’ve promised some of these ones I’m talking about here and there… didn’t follow up. I just DID NOT WANT TO DO IT. There was something so offputting that I kept postponing and pushing it away. To this day, I have not given them a proper reading. I guess the energy just wasn’t compatible.
I start dissociating when they talk. Like…completely zoning out. And sure, sometimes that happens when I sit with someone, no matter how close we are. Because #Neurodivergence. But then I stop them and tell them. Ask them to please repeat what they said. In short, I am honest with them. When I don’t have that urge anymore, I know it’s over. On top of that, I also have zero interest in what they talk about anymore and absolutely no patience for any of their stories. Especially when it’s a repeating story (interesting interlude: they will often remind you that they’ve heard something before and cut you off but demand that you listen to their shit for the millionth time, ignoring your reminders that you have listened before…).
Avoidance is next on the list. I will find every excuse under the sun to not meet up or talk to them. And my body does the same. I get the weirdest symptoms that have me stay in bed most of the day when we are supposed to meet. Now, I often have to cancel or change plans because of my energy levels or something very physical but these symptoms are different and way more random.
One thing I’m not proud of but have observed in myself is that I become mean. I may be a very blunt person but I know that people have feelings and if we’re friends, I obviously don’t want to hurt you. And it’s not that I actively seek to hurt someone, but I make snarky remarks that will hurt. I’ve become better at avoiding this stage and this behaviour but it’s definitely still fairly easy for me to get there.
How you perceive them
Finding out these parallels was the wildest bit for me. And this is very subjective and may look different for you, but here goes.
I will find their face or their whole appearance look alien to me. Not ugly or anything like that, just “evil” and out of this world to me. To someone else they may look completely fine, but I see something in their features that just screams run to me. Same with their smell. I kid you not, most of these “friends” had the same or at least a similar kind of smell. Like the same body odour. How weird is that??? Again, they may smell completely fine to someone else, I wouldn’t know. But to me, that smell is repellent. Focusing on these two attributes, I will now know really well whom to stay away from. There’s a saying in German that goes something like “I can’t smell them” meaning that, yes, physically you are able to smell them but you don’t like their smell at all; it doesn’t agree with you. This goes both literally and figuratively if you just don’t like someone.
Something that goes hand in hand with me avoiding meeting them is that they drain my energy. Instead of filling my cup and giving me life, I feel drained after we’ve interacted and completely depleted. To the point I need at least twice as long to recover from that as I need normally with social interactions (hello, being an introvert and neurodivergent!).
How this all relates to me personally
I’ve been bullied all throughout my childhood. Not just by other children, but also by adults. For being fat. So I have a lot of trauma around that and a lot of rage. Still to this day.
Once I felt emboldened and empowered to stand my ground, I became violent myself. Mostly with words but sometimes physically as well. I grew out of physical violence in my late teens (and I’ve never hurt someone so seriously they needed any kind of treatment, just to be clear) but I continued the verbal abuse. Because now it was my turn. It felt righteous to do to people what had been done to me. I felt powerful and I did not care how much it hurt.
I’m telling you this because this is very often where behaviour like I have described in this post comes from. It comes from trauma and people lash out. Consciously or subconsciously. And I’ve seen the light. Seen that all it does is perpetuating harm and create more violence in the world. If I can see that light, I believe these people I’m talking about in this post can, too. With love and support. Just not mine; I can love them from afar and hope they get out of their own loops of violence and ignorance.
Epiphany and conclusion
As I have written this over several months, I have realised that most of what has happened to me in these friendships was emotional abuse. Not as blatant as I experienced during lockdown (story for another day) but just as harmful. So, what I’m basically saying with all of this is don’t accept abuse. Not even a tiny bit. Ever. Always speak up. Sometimes therapy may help – if it is accessible to you and the perpetrator – because they genuinely don’t know what they’re doing and wish you no harm. But in the majority of cases, your best bet is to run away from that relationship and cut all cords. Burn bridges.
Oh, on burning bridges: I have recently been told by another “friend” (whom I’ve now broken up with) how awful my way of ending friendships is. And they kept typing and typing. After having typed so much abuse. So they thought they were entitled to abuse me verbally and thought they should stay entitled to that perceived right after our frienship had run its course. No, thank you. I blocked them while they were still typing. Felt good.
Stay magnificent. Stay witchy.